Discussion with Lady Fate

It's a place I recognize, but I can't put my finger on it. It's a stream, running through a little meadow. A clearing in a big forest. She's on the other side of the stream, toes in the water. That water has to be cold. Really, really cold.

"It's been a while," she says, throwing a tuft of dark red hair over her shoulder. "What made you want to came see me?" I shrug.

"Isn't that water cold?" I ask. She shakes her head and laughs. I sit cross-legged on the bank, directly across from her.

"I'm supposed to be angry with you," She says, eyes fixed on me. "I'm supposed to be all wrathful and indignant and stuff because you aren't following the plan. That's what you think, at least." I smirk, and her expression shifts to a very sober neutrality. "Fourth quarter, champ." That's a little creepy.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've been going on and on about twenty-four. Twenty-four is when everything falls into place; twenty-four is when everything changes." She sighs. "You've got less than 3 months."

"Fourth quarter."

"Fourth quarter. Time enough for a miracle." She laughs, looking at the water. "Of course, in the classical sense, the only way you get a miracle is through me--and in order for that to happen, you have to make a rather supreme offering." Looking at me again, neutral and dead serious. "You have to give me your heart."

"I'm confused."

"Bullshit," she says. "Give in to me. Give me your will. Give me every decision, every moment. Work with my hands. Speak with my voice. Run with my energy. I'm not just some literary idea of a guide that you can invoke to tell yourself you're living in a way that's inspired by me. That's a lie. It's a lie as big as every zealot spreading a message of love by painting it in death. I am bigger than your character sketch. I am bigger than your alter egos, and I'm bigger than your epic. I am your picture of god."

I want so badly to cross the stream now. She continues. "I don't thrust dogma on you. I don't give you commandments or rules. I am what you perceive--energy, love, warmth, joy, humanity, nature--everything you know is personified as this." She holds up her arms. "I represent everything you want and everything you love, everything you ever learn and everything you fear. I'm all of it, honey." She pulls her feet out of the water and stands on the rock. "You perceive me, so you perceive the path. You know what you want. You know a good decision from a foolish one. You know your goals and you know how to get them." She pauses.

"What do I have to do?"

"Give your heart to me, and I'll teach you everything." She smiles. "You know what your biggest problem is?" She asks. "You take all of it way too f---ing seriously. All you have to do is live and stop being so scared of everything." I smirk a little.

"You're right," I say, taking off my sandals and sticking my feet in the water.

"Knowing I'm right and changing your behavior are two different things. Just because you've recorded my little pep talk doesn't mean for a second that everything is magically fixed." She snaps her fingers, and I'm standing in the stream. She's laughing harder than ever, and that water is COLD.

"It's freezing in here!"

"Rinse off." She makes a scrubbing motion with her hands.

"Are you serious? Rinse what off?" She sighs at me, clearly disappointed.

"Rinse off whatever it is that's speaking that same old language. Rinse off this sense of drudgery you're always carrying around with you. Rinse off all the mud you've been rolling in for the last decade." I look up at her, a little ashamed. The last person that anyone wants to disappoint is their own god. "Don't pout, kiddo. That's not why you're here. Drop this ancient Catholic nonsense of infinite shame and unworthyness. That's exactly what you have to let go of."

"But sometimes I just don't feel like I'm where I should be. Sometimes I don't think I was cut out for all this. It's like I was given more than I can handle. And then there's the times when I'm completely contrary to everything that's happening. I just get into these moods where I feel like a complete outsider."

"Have you looked at your life lately? You write and people read. You create, and they respond. You're as much a part of this place as anyone else is, even if you try to avoid it. You're as alien to them as they are to everyone else. You all think you don't belong. That's the funniest part about humans." I dunk my whole body in the water, even wetting my hair down. When I pop back up out of the water, I'm WIDE AWAKE. That water is damn, damn cold. I make a noise somewhere between a yowling cat and a hawk's cry, and then--slowly--I realize how nice the water feels. "It's not that bad, is it?" Lady Fate asks me. I shake my head. "How do you feel?"

"Awake," I say. She laughs.

"Not just yet, but that's not a bad first step." She dives off the bank and into the water. She re-emerges, skin glowing and hair pulled back. "You need to remember two things--just two." She holds up a finger. "One, dive in. Stop being afraid of things and just face them on." She holds up another finger. "Two, remember me."

"Thanks." I give her a big hug.

"Just two things, kiddo: dive in and remember."