Our very own domain...

EditorialJoe.com (currently down, broken SQL!) is now home to the collection of the wonderful adventures and asinine rantings of the hack you know and love.

The professional personality of our hero has also set up a portfolio containing his published writing, illustrations, photography and designs at JoeCallan.com. (Currently up, because I totally needed my portfolio to be up. so it's up.)

"A Hack You Know and Love" began a couple weeks into my fledgling year in media. I was far away from home, living in a 280 sq. ft. room with an improvised kitchen. I was in the crook of PA, NY and NJ, working for a regional magazine co-owned by the mentor who gave me my start in professional media.

It was one of the greatest adventures I've ever experienced. Enjoy three of my favorite early posts below. The rest is archived at EditorialJoe.com (Which is down. Stupid broken database...)

[edited 7/25/14]

Mac Hassett Interviews Joe Callan

The following exclusive took place online at 9PM, July the 4th, 2005. You're damn sorry you missed it.




Mac Hassett: Do you like funk music?
MrJoeEditorial: Yes.
Mac Hassett: Have you ever seen a chimpanzee intimidate a tiger with a stick?
MrJoeEditorial: No, but if I only could.
Mac Hassett: Have you ever seen a car explode?
MrJoeEditorial: Only on TV.
Mac Hassett: Are you pro- or anti-teleportation?
MrJoeEditorial: Pro so long as there's no flies around. Bears are ok.
Mac Hassett: That would kick ass.
MrJoeEditorial: I mean, they're mammals, they're huge and strong, and I've always wanted a snout.
Mac Hassett: And you'd get to hibernate.
MrJoeEditorial: Yes, that would be sweet. And swipe pic-i-nic baskets.
Mac Hassett: And piss off the ranger. Have you ever seen an eclipse?
MrJoeEditorial: I've seen a full lunar eclipse and a partial solar eclipse once.
Mac Hassett: Did its appearance strike you as strange?
MrJoeEditorial: The solar one hurt my eyes for a couple weeks.
Mac Hassett: Yeah, I'd probably look at it too, even if it did hurt my eyes. What year do you think mankind will land on mars?
MrJoeEditorial: 2018. This is provided no big ugly shit breaks out, and that doesn't look good.
Mac Hassett: Do you like spaghetti?
MrJoeEditorial: Almost always.
Mac Hassett: When is it not acceptable?
MrJoeEditorial: With really watery canned red sauce.
Mac Hassett: Have you ever been mountain climbing?
MrJoeEditorial: Mt. Marcy is the highest peak in New York State, but I wouldn't have called it "climbing"
Mac Hassett: More of a hike?
MrJoeEditorial: Pretty much. On the other hand I've scaled some pretty nasty gorges.
Mac Hassett: where is Mt. Marcy located?
MrJoeEditorial: The Adirondacks. Herkimer county?
Mac Hassett: Yes, I've been to Herkimer. What exactly is a gorge? I've heard the term in relation to mountains, rivers.
MrJoeEditorial: Well, I grew up in the finger lakes region of New York. They're glacial lakes that are basically giant potholes. After thousands of years of rain, you get gigantic runoff streams that empty into the lakes, and the runoff wears down the path, creating little canyons. This is a gorge, at least as I know it.
Mac Hassett: Ah, I've actually scaled a gorge. While I was high one time, me and a friend of mine decided to do it spontaneously. I think that was in Massachusetts.
MrJoeEditorial: Being high helps in those situations, mainly because you don't want to be the first person to die high while climbing a gorge. It's the pressure of ruining it for everyone else.
Mac Hassett: Yeah. I was definitely trying extra hard. Have you ever had a dog?
MrJoeEditorial: Throughout most of my early life I had a German Shepherd.
Mac Hassett: That's a good dog. Any rabbits?
MrJoeEditorial: Nope.
Mac Hassett: Lizards?
MrJoeEditorial: I hade an anole once. It's like a little gecko. I won it at a carnival and it lasted for something like 5 years.
Mac Hassett: Not bad. Thanks for your time this evening.
MrJoeEditorial: My Pleasure.

The best face I have ever seen.

I'm sorry, there's just something about eyes facing slightly away from each other that makes a face hilarious. It's that vacant-yet-satisfied stare. Seriously. Look at that frog. What has he got to worry about? Not a care in the world.

How to open a can without a can opener

First, you're going to need a metal object. I would imagine that a very sharp piece of hardwood might work if you're really persistent.
Now, hit the side of the cylinder toward the top over and over again, until there's a dent in the side.
Continue by hitting that dent again and again until you're able to pierce the point you've been hitting.
If it's a can of broth or juice, your work is done. Enjoy.
If it's a can of something else-- Ravioli, for instance, the game gets trickier. If you have some silverware lying around, take the handle and jam it into the hole you made in the can.
Now force the end sticking out of the can one way until you strip away the side of the cylinder that's attached to the top.
Now, force it in the other direction, effectively giving yourself about 200 degrees around that cylinder to work with. At this point, you should be able to pry the top back enough to get what you need.
You've now succeeded in a feat few have accomplished since 1930 without the use of a can opener, ginsu knives, a group of hobos heating the can over a fire, or your friend from college who can open cans with his face.
Enjoy the foodstuffs within, for you truly are the Prometheus of our day.